Chapter 13

Zhang Xiyu's first time was in the early winter of 2022. At first he said he needed her help, but when they walked out of the school and got into his car, he took her to a house in the city.

At first, Zhang Xiyu was reluctant to go upstairs, but he said confidently, "What are you thinking? There are so many books, are you going to let me move them all by myself?"

Zhang Xiyu was not a good talker, so he had to follow him upstairs.

In fact, they had eaten together several times before, and he bought her some clothes. They were all very expensive, and they were brands that she could never afford to wear normally. He would chat with her for a long time, talking about youth, work, dreams, and her difficulties.

She noticed that he was also very handsome. At that time, his usually wise eyes were full of pity and understanding. He would order her a cocktail that only adult women would drink, colorful and psychedelic. He would gently stroke her head, as if he was treating a helpless little animal.

At that time, Zhang Xiyu felt confused.

Yes, in this relationship, from beginning to end, Zhang Xiyu's strongest feeling was confusion. He seemed to be interested in her, but also seemed to be just concerned about her. She didn't know what he wanted to do, nor did she know what it felt like to be with him.

She has always been looking forward to a mature and gentle man who can save her from the terrible high school life.

Now this man appeared, and he was not Liu Huaixin.

She didn't feel disgusted at all.

He would also counsel her, telling her how he spent his high school years, telling her some study tips, and teaching her how to deal with her parents, teachers, and classmates. She had never known before that he had such a delicate and friendly side. Was he willing to show this side to her now because he saw her crying so sadly on the rooftop that day? So he felt pity for her?

That day, when they arrived at his house, he was tidying up the bookshelf and threw a workbook for her to do. Zhang Xiyu was stunned and actually started to do it while biting the tip of her pen. When she finished most of the paper, he brought out three dishes, a soup, and a bottle of white wine from the kitchen as if by magic.

"Have a drink with me," he said. "Today is my birthday, but no one remembers it, and no one cares whether I am happy or not."

Zhang Xiyu hesitated.

He looked at her disappointedly: "I thought we were already friends."

It was this sentence that made Zhang Xiyu feel guilty. She suddenly realized that he treated her as a friend, regardless of age or gender.

Zhang Xiyu drank liquor for the first time in her life, and she had no idea what was going on. She drank three liang of liquor. She felt dizzy like a thin boat in the sea, and her brain was as dull as if it was stuffed with wet cotton. He whispered, "Xiyu baby, why are you so drunk?"

Zhang Xiyu's tears suddenly fell and she hugged him: "Don't leave me alone! Don't scold me! I really can't understand. I also want to go to college, but I will definitely not pass the entrance exam! Teacher Liu, Teacher Liu..."

The man laughed deeply and said, "Just think of me as your substitute."

He began to take action. Zhang Xiyu had never had such an experience before. She knew she shouldn't do that. She knew the person in front of her was not Liu Huaixin. In fact, even if it was Liu Huaixin, she wouldn't dare to do that. But her mind was too dizzy. The little bit of rationality left made her desperately push him away, but he grabbed her finger: "I love you! I love you so much! I've secretly liked you since the first time I saw you. Don't reject me, okay?"

Did he say love?

He is such an outstanding person, yet he secretly loves her?
Zhang Xiyu was completely dumbfounded: "Really?"

"My feelings are truer than anything else." A tear even fell from the corner of his eye, landing on the girl's delicate face. "Secret love is the most painful, I have never dared to say it out loud. You have feelings for me too, right? Your body tells me so, the body's reaction can't lie."

Is that so? Is that so? It turns out that my body also has feelings for him.

…That night, Zhang Xiyu returned home with a strange blush on her face. It was a very strange feeling. After waking up, she found herself naked in his arms. She should have panicked and been afraid. But she also had a new and secret feeling. It seemed that from then on, she was no different from an adult woman.

But probably because he saw her crying blankly, he hugged her, kissed her for a long time, repeatedly expressed his true feelings, and he also cried. Zhang Xiyu then stopped crying and handed him a tissue instead. She found that he had the same stupidity as herself.

He drove her to an intersection a block away from her home and apologized to her again. They were both drunk at the time. He promised that it would never happen again and said that if she felt hurt, she could call the police. Even if he lost his job and his reputation, he was willing to pay a heavy price for his impulse today.

She couldn't bear it, so she just shook her head and said, "Let's not meet again."

She saw that the fire in his eyes seemed to be extinguished. She turned and walked away.

Zhang Xiyu's heart was as confused as wild weeds. He didn't hear what his parents said or scolded. He hurried into the house to take a shower. While taking a shower, he suddenly started crying.

Before going to bed at night, she received a WeChat message from him. It was a photo of him hugging the pillow she had slept on that day, with the caption: There is no gray area in love. If it is not hate, then it is love. Be my girlfriend, okay?

Zhang Xiyu was stunned.

-

Zhang Xiyu had dated him in many places.

In his two houses, in the car, in many hotels, guesthouses, and even in deserted mountaintops and woods. She was always dizzy. She felt dirty and happy at the same time. At that moment, it seemed that all the pressure was gone, and she just needed to satisfy herself.

There seemed to be a hole in her heart, which was getting bigger and bigger. There was a whistling wind above the hole, which made her dizzy. Below the hole, she could vaguely see the muddy swamp, and some terrible black tentacle creature was about to crawl out of it, entangle her limbs, and let her decay together.

He treated her very well, leaving a stack of money in the drawer at home for her to use as she wished - but Zhang Xiyu never took any. He loved dressing her up, buying her all kinds of expensive clothes and accessories, taking her to romantic dinners and staying in five-star hotels.

In front of the hotel's dazzling floor-to-ceiling windows, he hugged her from behind and said: I love you, little angel. He carved the words "Xiyu" on the inside of the custom jewelry. When her parents beat her, he gently applied medicine to her and gently stroked her back; when she failed the exam, he was like an angry boyfriend, dragging her to study late at night, but while studying, he fell into bed, and her grades were still a mess.

High school life was so busy, and the two of them were just sneakers who took advantage of every opportunity. Except for the initial period, he hardly used his phone to contact her, and asked her to delete the previous messages, leaving a secret code every day that only they knew. Zhang Xiyu felt like a butterfly stuck in a whirlpool, out of control, and could only keep flapping its wings.

She just felt more and more confused.

Confused about his attitude towards her. He did bring her a lot of fresh adult lifestyles, but what he was most interested in was still sex. He would do it almost every time they met. He didn't know where he learned a lot of strange postures and props, and he performed them on her one by one. Sometimes Zhang Xiyu sat next to him and watched those movies with him. Looking at his eyes, she would feel strange and scared.

That look made her feel vaguely that she was just a physical tool.

She was also confused about her feelings for him. They always talked about love, and when he said love, she would respond. But she couldn't figure out whether she loved him or not. Before he touched her, she clearly had no feelings for him. From the beginning, he brought her a strange and exciting feeling that made her unable to distinguish.

Two months before Zhang Xiyu jumped off the building, she asked him, "Will you marry me in the future?"

His expression was very calm at the time, neither surprised nor angry. He smoked a cigarette and answered, "To love someone, you don't have to get married. It's just a piece of paper. The person I love most is you, and I don't want you to suffer any criticism or harm."

Zhang Xiyu just smiled at the time and lowered his head to think, how much sincerity was there in his words?

All the manuscripts in my archives have been cleared. I’m not sure if I can update it by 12 noon tomorrow. If not, I’ll check it out at 8 pm.